While many suspected it, scientists confirmed that Fox News‘ Gretchen Carlson is the black hole of humanity. Her mere existence on the planet has a negative impact on, well, everything good a decent on earth.
What’s Carlson’s cardinal sin? Not her politics as some claim. Her sin is dumbing herself down to a ridiculous level. Carson, who graduated from high school as the valedictorian and then attended Stanford — where she graduated summa cum laude, Oxford and is an accomplished violinist says things like “I didn’t know what a czar was so I googled it.” Her sin is being a role model and showing young girls that to be a success you have to be pretty, vapid and dumb as a box of rocks.
Feminists (aka women who think equality is a good thing) were nonplussed by the news. “Look, I used to try to watch her on ‘Fox & Friends‘ and you know, maybe she was just playing along to fix in. The other two hosts were pretty brain dead but she just got me. She didn’t make me want to just kill myself but dose myself in gasoline, set myself on fire and gouge out my eyes. That’s what I stopped watching. It seemed like cruel and unusual punishment to watch before coffee,” said Sarah Phillips of Muscatine, Iowa.
NASA scientists have been looking into black holes and the potential to create one on earth. They were happy to learn they don’t have to create one, as Carlson is the real deal. Famed physicist Neil deGrasse Tyson told us, “It was a gratifying — if terrifying — moment. We already have a black hole on earth! At Fox News!! We are hoping to study Ms.Carlson more but from we can tell, she produces nothing but negative energy. It’s extraordinary that one person can produce so much negativity. Totally unprecedented.”
When reached for comment a spokesperson for the Fox host said, “She’s beautiful. She has her own show. She be as dumb or smart as she wants. She still makes more than you.”